By Crystal Lindell
Associate Editor
Mars Chocolate North America recently released data from a poll that will promptly be filed under “obvious” - Americans apparently want more chocolate, vacation and sleep, but less celebrity gossip, reality TV and bickering politicians.

The poll was done as a marketing technique for the company’s new 3 MUSKETEERS, which offers “more” chocolate taste.

Specifically, 58% of respondents wanted more TV channels, 90% wanted more vacation and sleep, and 66% wanted less reality television. Meanwhile, 66% wanted less super hero-themed movies, 75% wanted less fashion weeks, film festivals and award shows, and nearly 80% wanted less celebrity gossip.

But we’re a candy magazine, and I just happen to have a degree in political science, so let’s focus on the two most important ones - chocolate and politics. According to the results, 90% of Americans wanted more chocolate, while nearly the same amount wanted less “bickering elephants, donkeys and tea cups.”

A side-by-side comparison of the two should help us figure all this out.

Chocolate: For less than a dollar, chocolate can bring extreme joy to most people.
Politics: Costs American taxpayers billions of dollars, with little success bringing any joy to anyone, anywhere.
Winner: Chocolate

Dinner conversation:
Chocolate: Usually discussed during dinner in relation to whether or not it’s involved in the upcoming dessert. Always a happy debate.
Politics: A frowned upon debate topic at dinner tables, especially when family members are present.
Winner: Chocolate

Associated animals:
Chocolate: Often comes shaped like a cute little bunny.
Politics: Involves donkeys and elephants. Neither is cute.
Winner: Chocolate.

Response to heat:
Chocolate: Melts in the summer heat, creating sticky but delicious fingers. Also, when heat is applied purposefully, it can lead to wonderfully gooey desserts.
Politics: Debates related to politics often lead nowhere once they’re heated. Usually results in little progress and very few reasonable outcomes.
Winner: Chocolate

Health care:
Chocolate: When dark, it fights cancer and helps the heart.
Politics: The topic of health care alone is enough to give some politicians a heart attack, and it seems that those in office can never quite figure out how to offer all Americans actual health care.
Winner: Chocolate

Chocolate: Related slogans are uplifting, such as: "There's a smile in every Hershey Bar." - Hershey; “Sixpence worth of heaven” - Cadbury’s Flake; “A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play” - Mars Bar; and “For the Kid in You” - Nestle Crunch. Smiles, heaven, play, kids - all fun here folks.
Politics: Often involves negative ads, mudslinging, and just plain mean commercials about opponents.
Winner: Chocolate

Stress factor:
Chocolate: Relieves stress.
Politics: Stresses everyone out.
Winner: Chocolate.

Overall winner: Chocolate, seeing as how it was a sweep.

Just one more result to be filed under “obvious” I suppose. Makes me think though that maybe if we gave the folks in Washington a few more candy bars this summer, they’d have worked the whole debt debate out months ago. Either that, or they’d just continue bickering in between licking their fingers.